Anonymous Hate Mail – Anonymous Letters What to Do
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You’ve likely landed on this post because you are looking for information on anonymous hate mail and anonymous letters. This means that you’ve either received an anonymous letter OR that you are looking to send an anonymous letter. If you have received anonymous hate mail, then this post is for you. If you are looking to send an anonymous letter, then this post is NOT for you. Though you could check out Glitter Bombs, because apparently that is actually a thing.
So here is MY story on receiving, and dealing with, anonymous hate mail.
In 2014 I received my first (and only) piece of anonymous hate mail. I’ve been blogging since 2009, often about sensitive topics, so perhaps this should have happened sooner. Funny thing is, this wasn’t hate mail via a blog comment, email, or private message. It was hate “snail” mail (how very retro) and it was personal.
I can’t begin to imagine what would make someone so angry that they would take the time to:
- Type a letter.
- Print a letter.
- Seal a letter in an envelope.
- Address a letter.
- Mail a letter.
So many steps and so many moments in time for the letter writer to pause and ponder whether writing a piece of hate mail is rational behavior.
(By the way, it’s probably not rational behavior. This entire ordeal led me to reading and learning about sociopaths. The Sociopath Next Door is extremely interesting and beyond eye opening.)
It’s been some time since I’ve received the anonymous letter. I’ve had time to recover, process, digest, and come up with some steps in dealing with anonymous hate mail. I hope these steps help you too.
Denial
It’s perfectly normal to be in a state of denial when receiving a piece of anonymous hate mail. When I first received the letter, I had to reread it a couple of times to make sure it wasn’t some sort of weird joke. At first it read like one of those spam letters, from a foreign country, promising millions of dollars if only you would share your personal information. After reading it a few times, the details in the letter proved that:
- This letter was indeed very real.
- The letter came from someone who knows my family.
- The letter likely came from someone within a very small group of people in my community.
Number 3 was a shocker and is really the hardest to get over.
I live in a small, down to earth community. People who live here come from all walks of life. However many are college educated adults. They are doctors, lawyers, engineers, and business founders. Our community has a farmer’s market, a community garden, and even a community solar garden. People here are smart and they care about their neighbors. People here do not send anonymous hate mail.
The take away: as much as I would like to believe that this couldn’t possibly happen in my community, it did. I can’t deny that.
Fear
After my initial bout of denial came a brief period of fear. (Again, perfectly normal.) If people here don’t send anonymous hate mail, what kind of mental or emotional state would someone have to be in to send such a letter? I immediately addressed the letter with the police as well as with school administrators in town. (School administrators in the event the letter came from a teen.) Both are aware and are on alert in the event anything else should happen. Knowing that the authorities are on my side, and keeping an eye out, helped in my coming to terms with the situation.
If you are concerned about your own anonymous hate mail, bring your anonymous letter to your local authorities. It’s good for them to have it on file, in the event an issue escalates. You can also bring a copy to your local post office, to see if there is any way they can trace it. Finally, you can look into fingerprinting the letter.
Humor
If you can’t laugh at yourself or a situation such as this, then you are taking yourself too seriously. No part of the letter is true. I know that. My friends and family know that. Really, anyone who knows me in any real way knows that.
The truth is, the letter is not about me. It’s about the sender and his or her own issues.
Which brings me to………..
Empathy
I genuinely feel sorry that there is someone out there who felt the need to send such a letter. I have no idea what is going on in this person’s life, however I sincerely hope that this person is able to talk with someone and get some help.
Empathy is the last step in dealing with anonymous hate mail and one of the hardest. It means to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Can you imagine being so angry, hurt, or jealous that you send someone a hateful anonymous letter? I don’t envy that person or their feelings.
If you want to learn more about empathy or, more importantly, teach your kids about empathy; you might want to check out The Me, Me, Me Epidemic. It’s highly rated and reviewed, and may just keep your own kids from sending anonymous hate mail some day.
Related: You might also want to check out my FREE Be Kind printable. Hang it up in your home to remind your kids to be kind.
Silver Lining
It may be hard to believe but there is a silver lining in all of this. When I received the letter, I immediately shared it on Facebook and via email with numerous members of my community. It takes a village, as they say, and I wanted everyone I care about to be aware that this was happening in our small community.
The amount of support and kindness I have received has been overwhelming. It helps me to believe that there are more kind people in this world than unkind.
Related: You may also find my post Is My Friend a Sociopath? relatable and interesting. It covers The Sociopath Next Door in more detail.
Have you ever had to deal with an anonymous letter? Share your story in the comments section below.
Hello Ruth,
My father who is newly married received an anonymous letter that talks about all of our families personal things, but mainly the topic of focus was about my mother. This person was saying horrible things about my mother. Then about 2 weeks later, my mother received a very similar anonymous letter that focused even more on bashing her. Both of these letters are hand written. When my dad left my mother, she was devastated. There were several occasions that my mom had a few drinks and left my father voicemails that his new partner heard, saying things like “I will love you forever and you will never find another woman who will love you like I did”. So not only do my sister and I think it is our dads new woman because she is jealous of my mom but this woman almost always goes over the top for my dad and seems kind of obsessed with him, not to mention spends all my dad’s money shopping. My mom thinks it’s his new woman. My dad refuses to believe it’s his new woman, and I personally feel these letters are just the beginning of something evil and it scares me very much.
Anna – I am so sorry that you and your mom are dealing with this. I know how hard it can be. If you are worried that something more might happen, definitely save the letters in a safe place as proof/evidence. As far as you dad, it’s likely he will have to see the situation for what it is on his own terms. Please take care of yourself and your mom. Try not to be involved in any negative family dynamics. Stay safe!
Hi Ruth,
Thanks so much for your post on anonymous hate mail. I have been receiving anonymous hate letters for the last year, they arrive at my work every 4 months or so. They are very cryptic, but have personal information about me and also have threats too. I just got the 3rd one yesterday and it is wearing me down. I can’t understand why someone would keep on sending these letters. The time and effort they have put into the letters seems silly to me. I definitely think it is a person that used to work with me and left very disgruntled. I am guessing that they might be getting inside information from someone that still works with me, but as of next week that person will be working in another department in another city. I guess the best way I can think of it is that the person sending the letters finds power in sending them and that they don’t have the nerve to face me in person. I told myself that I wasn’t going to read the next one that comes, but I still read it. Everyone at work knows what the letters look like now. They have a printed return address that is always some kind of government building and they use different towns to postmark the letters too. Do you think it would be better to just not even open it up when it arrives? It always takes me several days to get over the feeling that someone is watching me. I wish I could just make it stop.
Kit – thank you so much for sharing your story. I am SO sorry that you have been receiving anonymous hate mail. First and foremost, please remember that these hate letters have NOTHING to do with you. They are all about the sender and his/her own issues. Next, I would consider sharing these letters with your boss and/or human resources, if you have an HR department.
I would say yes, stop reading the letters. However, I know how hard that can be. It sounds like they might stop, seeing as the source of information is moving to a new office. If they do not, consider mentioning to people in your office (that know about the letters) that you are considering getting them finger printed or taking them to the police. Any source will surely tell the letter sender, and then the letters might stop.
You mention these letters have threats. Depending on what these threats are, that may be illegal in some states and countries. If they are physical threats, then I would definitely consider reaching out to the police.
Thank you again for sharing. And I sincerely hope these letters stop.
Kristy,
That stinks. Is it possible you got on some kind of crummy junk mailing list? Or do you think one individual is doing the sending?
I’d try to get your name off junk mail lists and see if that helps. If you think it’s from an individual, and you are scared, then I would definitely consult with the police.
Best of luck!
I’m getting anonymous hate mail that is junk, from all over the world. It says Dominatrix Kristy Boucher, and it’s been going on for a few months now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or what I’m supposed to read into this. Am I supposed to be afraid? Upset? Threatened that he knows where I live? Post office was worthless, going to the police next to check for finger prints.
Kami,
Sorry to hear that you received an anonymous hate letter. It’s not something I wish on anyone. However, I think your attitude is fantastic! These letters are way more about the letter writer than the receiver. Props to you for handling it so well. And thanks so much for sharing!
Ruth
My best friend received an anonymous letter to hand deliver to me. The contents of which were a synopsis of my life.
Despite being highly inaccurate and even judgmental, I have chose to ignore.
A stranger peering into my personal life is not worth it. Pay the anonymous letter no mind and carry on. A persons opinion of me is not the truth about me or my life.
And lastly, why would they care? That’s the strangest thing. Is this person jealous or showing hate? Why go to so much trouble. The unknown is far worse than the contents written by a coward.
Kami
Kimberly,
I have no words. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It amazes me that there are so many stories like ours.
Unless you’ve been through this, people don’t realize how brave you are in sharing your story. As you know, sociopaths can be charming and will go out of their way to hurt you. I haven’t talked to my letter writer in two years and was recently told that she is still spreading hateful gossip about me. (Doesn’t she have better things to do???)
What’s frustrating is that you can’t warn people. Sociopaths move on to new victims and warning them only makes you look and/or sound crazy.
I’ve found peace in knowing that I said my truth and wasn’t afraid to speak up and handle the situation. I know that some, hopefully many, will see sociopaths for who they are eventually. It’s a cycle that sociopaths repeat. The truth almost always comes out in the end.
The only thing one can do is remember that what the sociopath says and does is all about them and has nothing to do with their victims.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. Feel free to keep in touch. I wish you all the best!!!
Ruth
Hi there Ruth, I’m a writer/blogger myself from Toronto, Canada and doing some research on anonymous hate mail as I just received – mine over the holidays in snail mail as well. Mine came after I wrote a blog about my experience with the neighbourhood sociopath. I guess the truth hurts and these women went in full on protection mode and reared their ugly heads again.
https://modernink.ca/2016/11/24/surviving-a-sociopath-with-a-thank-you-note/
A group of women have banned together to try and wreak havoc on mine and my family’s lives. I just wanted to say after I read your story, I just can’t get over how similar these people behave, it’s amazing to me that ‘they’ continue to get away with it. I just wanted to touch base as I am going to write about receiving the cowardly letter and trying to figure out what tact I’m going to take. I was planning to include your link in my blog post, so that your voice and story is heard along with mine and that might resonate with others going through it or those who doubt people’s credibility after a sociopath has worked so desperately on a full out character assassination of their target’s reputation. I wish what we’ve been through on no one, but it is sure comforting to know others have gone through it and came out on top. Thanks for the inspiration. Let’s keep this issue alive as I truly believe we as women are our own worst enemies. If we stop cutting each other down and raise each other up, this world would be a different place.
We should start a movement to stop the mommy bullies!!!
Anon also,
Thank you so much for the kind words and for sharing your story.
What a horrible letter! People continue to amaze me with their meanness. An anonymous letter is also bullying!
You probably already know this, but introverts are often misunderstood. Many can appear extroverted around people they know or are comfortable with. But then seem aloof in large social situations or with people they don’t know. It’s unfortunate, but we seem to live in a world that favors extroverts.
I’m glad to hear that your experience was not a recent one. Even though it must have been so hard to go through at the time. Sharing or not sharing is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong answer. My hope is that anyone who goes through this has someone to listen to and support them. Sharing/writing was therapeutic for me. 🙂 But it’s certainly not for everyone.
I sincerely hope that you’ve managed to overcome those mean girls. True adults share their concerns/grievances face to face. Cowards write anonymous hate letters. We don’t have to get along with everyone, but we should treat everyone with respect.
Thanks again for sharing!!!
Anon,
I’ve been busy with other writing projects and somehow missed your response. My sincere apologies.
It’s a wonderful thing (and step in the right direction) when you can feel sorry for those who are treating you poorly. Good for you!!!
Seventeen years is a LONG time. How sad for her. Just remember that her behavior is more about her. I hope she’s able to eventually find some help. And am glad that you are coming to peace with it.
Thanks for the update and best of luck to you and your partner!
Hi Ruth.
Five years ago on December 31st, I too received an anonymous letter. I have kept the letter, only because I was afraid I would regret throwing it out one day. It has many of the same undertones as yours. Mine stated that there were a group of 3-4 people who got together for lunch because they discovered they had something in common and that was the way I was treating each of them….”with my weak smile”. They then went on to say that they recently discovered they may be adding a couple more people to their “support group”. They continued…that I was nothing like my mother and also mentioned my pastor and how he counselled kids being troubled by bullies and that adults, too, can be bullies…which I was. I have a very small social network so it isn’t hard to figure out who probably wrote it. I tend to be an introvert…which most would have a hard time believing. I was bullied by a couple girls as a middle schooler, so this has truly made an impact on my life. I fear sharing this letter openly as I am always afraid of what people, who may not know me so well, will think of me. I remember the days that followed the receipt of the letter…I felt paranoid and violated. Just a terrible and cowardly thing for a person to do…even though they said they would pray for me….really. Thanks for writing about your experience….I don’t feel so alone when I read it happens to others.
Anon – so sorry to hear your story. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the letter is more about the letter writer and has nothing to do with you or your partner.
I’m not sure regarding the laws in your area, however usually there is not a lot you can do unless the letter is threatening in nature or there are numerous letters – which constitutes harassment.
If that’s the case, you might want to consult the authorities.
Best of luck and hang in there!
Hi Ruth thanks for reply.. I’ve had a few days and I have calmed and now we are both convinced it is his ex wife .. and it just makes us both feel a little sad for her that after all these years she is so bitter ( they have been split for 17 years ! But she has not ever moved on)
I think if I get another I may get it finger printed to atleast see if any prints and if It proves to be her then we have a choice if to do anything. . But right now .. due to numerous mistakes that make it obvious it is here .. I feel much sadder for her that she is lonely enough to do that.. and that does make me feel sad for her so I probably will just let It go and just let her feel better by writing them .. and I won’t let it affect me anymore 🙂
Hi Ruth. . It is is ironic that I found your page after recieving a hate mail .. They have targeted my partner for a while and now moved onto me.. saying he is a cheat and what am I doing with him etc. I feel he is the target and now they have found out my name theh are happy to type me a letter. . Including typing up a label with address on so not to be recognised by handwriting. I actually think it is his ex wife as the letter makes so many references to her and how I am sleeping in her bed etc etc that it makes me wonder if it’s her talking about herself as a third person. She also is stating things about him only an ex wife would know. He laughs it off as he has recieved so many similar letters from the same sender.. this is my first and it was hurtful .. They spoke to me in an appalling way and asked what on earth I am doing with someone like him and how I am sleeping in his wife’s bed ( even though they split over 10 years ago .. We have been together 4 years and he did have girlfriend before me .. who is not a bitter cow. . We actually went to her wedding lol) then they signed it a concerned friend. I know this is no friend of mine in any way I feel I do not know them and it is to try and spark doubt or concern around my partner saying he is a cheat and scumbag and why would I be with him etc etc . He laughs it off .. I am more upset that this person does not know me at all and is using there own bitter posion and getting at him through me .. and if it is the ex wife as I suspect.. why do this? I have never been malicious or hurtful toward her .. been polite and family gatherings that require us all there .. I just don’t understand it.. and like u say .. It takes a serious amount of twistedness to type out a letter.. and a label I may add and send it.. that is pure pent up hate. I don’t know if I should be worried . He isn’t however I am so furious I want fingerprinting or to atleast hunt down the post box it came from then I would know it is from the source I think it is. I cannot think of anyone else that would be posinous towards him or me to waste this many years on sending anon letters .. I wish I was a bit tougher though and didn’t get upset.. but it did upset me a lot to recieve such a hateful letter when I have done nothing wrong x
Thanks so much Caroline! I sincerely appreciate the kind words and support.
I wish you all the best this holiday season!!!
Well written Ruth! What a great attitude and thank for bringing us through these steps. I think you have reached celebrity status now that you have received hate mail. Most of all, I’m glad you are truly safe and you have empathy for the poor soul who travels this path.
Happy Holidays